A downtown working whore, or some cheap barroom score just leave me a little worse off than before, and all the scotch in the world won’t change a goddamned thing.
Maybe a fast new car, a new Z1-R, a brand new way to get high and all those things money can buy – will make me happy for just a while.
All those things don’t last very long, and I found out I was really wrong, hell it’s just that I don’t like who I am.
Baby it’s not that I didn’t love you, or want you around – I just didn’t love me and had no idea how. I didn’t think you possibly could either.
I bought in to others ideas of who I was, and their concepts of success and love – and hell, it’s a wonder I could even look at me in the mirror.
So I got myself a big magnifying glass, got up off my lazy ass and started looking to see just who I was.
Will I recognize me when I find me? Will I shake my own hand? Congratulate myself on becoming a better man?
Well, after all that I’m not such a bad guy, I learned to laugh and allowed myself to cry.
Damn, sometimes life just gets better and better.
I met an unusual man today
Outside the bank of dreams
He was quite old, and spoke in very low tones
He told me that he knew me
He saw the pathway of my life
But my eyes had never met him before
Hard to see his face, and never caught his name
He said he had a message, my life had better change
This was my last chance
To find and hold on to love
He said I had wasted all of my other chances
Too cavalier in my recent past
But he said there was one more coming
And if I ruined this, well, that was it
I’d live the rest of my life alone
But if I loved, nurtured and treasured
With my true heart
I’d never see him again
That was fine with me
He did not seem like a friend
So much to learn
So short a time
So much learned
In yet a shorter time
Looking back through the cloudy years
Fragments of scenes come to mind
The awkward boy who only wanted to be liked by his peers
But felt more comfortable around adults
The adolescent, at night in bed
Right hand gripped firmly on my developing body
Hoping self indulgence might be a connection to future love
The young man I was in my twenties, so full of anger and lust
Seeking sexual conquests and self actualization at the same time
Not seeing the difference between ‘I love you’ and ‘I want to fuck you’
Trying to fill that emptiness with approval
So afraid of losing control
I don’t remember having much control
I was out of control