Growing Pains

So much to learn

So short a time

So much learned

In yet a shorter time

Looking back through the cloudy years

Fragments of scenes come to mind

The awkward boy who only wanted to be liked by his peers

But felt more comfortable around adults

The adolescent, at night in bed

Right hand gripped firmly on my developing body

Hoping self indulgence might be a connection to future love

The young man I was in my twenties, so full of anger and lust

Seeking sexual conquests and self actualization at the same time

Not seeing the difference between ‘I love you’ and ‘I want to fuck you’

Trying to fill that emptiness with approval

So afraid of losing control

I don’t remember having much control

I was out of control