Growing Pains

A downtown working whore, or some cheap barroom score just leave me a little worse off than before, and all the scotch in the world won’t change a goddamned thing.

Maybe a fast new car, a new Z1-R, a brand new way to get high and all those things money can buy – will make me happy for just a while.

All those things don’t last very long, and I found out I was really wrong, hell it’s just that I don’t like who I am.

Baby it’s not that I didn’t love you, or want you around – I just didn’t love me and had no idea how. I didn’t think you possibly could either.

I bought in to others ideas of who I was, and their concepts of success and love – and hell, it’s a wonder I could even look at me in the mirror.

So I got myself a big magnifying glass, got up off my lazy ass and started looking to see just who I was.

Will I recognize me when I find me? Will I shake my own hand? Congratulate myself on becoming a better man?

Well, after all that I’m not such a bad guy, I learned to laugh and allowed myself to cry.

Damn, sometimes life just gets better and better.

(A conversation overheard in my head)

I feel so needy

Learn to love yourself

I feel so alone

It’s okay to be alone with you

People won’t like the ‘real me’

No, not until you like the real you

It’s so hard to talk to people

Yes it is when you’re not living in the moment

But, I don’t have lots of money, a cool car, or…

Is that what you admire in the people you know and love?

I am such an ordinary guy

Welcome to the human race my friend, you’ll be just fine

The Man

I met an unusual man today

Outside the bank of dreams

He was quite old, and spoke in very low tones

He told me that he knew me

He saw the pathway of my life

But my eyes had never met him before

Hard to see his face, and never caught his name

He said he had a message, my life had better change

This was my last chance

To find and hold on to love

He said I had wasted all of my other chances

Too cavalier in my recent past

But he said there was one more coming

And if I ruined this, well, that was it

I’d live the rest of my life alone

But if I loved, nurtured and treasured

With my true heart

I’d never  see him again

That was fine with me

He did not seem like a friend

Growing Pains

So much to learn

So short a time

So much learned

In yet a shorter time

Looking back through the cloudy years

Fragments of scenes come to mind

The awkward boy who only wanted to be liked by his peers

But felt more comfortable around adults

The adolescent, at night in bed

Right hand gripped firmly on my developing body

Hoping self indulgence might be a connection to future love

The young man I was in my twenties, so full of anger and lust

Seeking sexual conquests and self actualization at the same time

Not seeing the difference between ‘I love you’ and ‘I want to fuck you’

Trying to fill that emptiness with approval

So afraid of losing control

I don’t remember having much control

I was out of control